Why airplanes are easier to live with than women
Airplanes usually kill you quickly, a woman takes her time.
Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
Airplanes don’t get mad if you do a “touch and go”.
Airplanes don’t object to a preflight inspection.
Airplanes come with manual to explain their operation.
Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.
Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.
Airplanes don’t come with in-laws.
Airplanes don’t care about how many other airplanes you’ve flown before.
Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
Airplanes don’t mind if you look at other airplanes.
Airplanes don’t mind if you buy airplane magazines.
Airplanes expect to be tied down.
Airplanes don’t comment on your piloting skills.
However, they both have one thing in common – when airplanes or women go quiet, it’s usually not good.
ATC Humor
Controller: Cessna 1234, state your intentions please?
Pilot: To get my Commercial Pilots License and Instrument Rating.
Controller: Cessna 1234, I meant in the next five minutes not years...
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f....ing stupid!"
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German):"Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, “What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
While taxiing at London’s Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727...
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?"
Cardinal:
"Good morning, Socal Departure. Cardinal 177VA is climbing through 700 for 3,000."
Departure:
"Cardinal 177VA, Socal. Please ident, and be advised the tower said your gear was still down."
Cardinal:
"That's a good thing. This is a fixed-gear Cardinal!"